From birth plans to birth preferences: Why flexibility matters more than control

Are modern birth plans setting parents up for disappointment? Let's take an honest look at birth expectations.

When you're getting ready to welcome your baby into the world, there's so much to consider—and somewhere between the antenatal appointments and baby shopping, someone will suggest: "Have you written your birth plan yet?" It sounds so empowering, doesn’t it? A plan. A way to be heard, to take control, to make sure your birth is exactly how you imagine it. I'm sorry to break it to you, but birth is unpredictable, and that can sometimes make a rigid plan feel like a setup for disappointment. When running antenatal classes at Lullabies, I gently encourage parents to think in terms of birth preferences instead. It’s a softer, more realistic approach—one that allows space for both hope and flexibility.

Let's look at the difference together.

What is a birth plan, and why do we make one?

A birth plan is usually a written document that outlines your hopes and choices for labour and birth. Things like: whether you want pain relief. Who you’d like in the room.
If you'd like delayed cord clamping or immediate skin-to-skin (the two can be done together). Your preferences for monitoring, mobility, and interventions. These are all valid and important considerations. You’ve likely taken time to research your options, and you want your voice to be heard. That’s completely understandable—and encouraged. The challenge arises when a birth plan becomes too rigid. When things don’t go to plan—because of safety concerns, emergencies, or simply the way your labour unfolds—it can feel like you’ve failed. And that couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve supported many new mums in Dubai who’ve said, after birth: "I feel like my body let me down," or "Nothing went to plan, I just feel gutted."

Sometimes this sense of loss and disempowerment is part of what's now commonly known as birth trauma—where the experience of birth feels overwhelming, frightening, or even traumatic, regardless of whether a medical emergency occurred, or those around you view it as birth trauma. Your experience is yours, and that's what matters.

Why I prefer to call it a birth preference

Calling it a birth preference acknowledges that your wishes are important—but also that birth is a physiological event, and things can shift unexpectedly. Using this language can make it easier to adapt if plans need to change, while still giving your care team a clear understanding of what matters to you.

You might say:
"My birth preferences include an active labour, minimal vaginal exams, and delayed cord clamping if possible.”

Rather than:

‍“My birth plan is to have a water birth with no interventions.”

Subtle language change—but huge emotional shift for both you and your birth team. Which leads us on nicely to Who the birth plan is really for? From a medical point of view, a birth plan (or preference sheet) can be really helpful. It gives the midwives and doctors a snapshot of your values and expectations. It helps the team respect your wishes when possible, and explain clearly when something isn’t safe or feasible. So really, a birth plan is for you, to clarify your thoughts, for your partner, so they understand, support and advocate for you and for your healthcare team, to open respectful, two-way communication.

‍What about Dads (and partners)? Advocacy matters

During labour, many mums are in a completely altered state—mentally and physically. It’s intense, powerful, and sometimes overwhelming. I know from my own birth experience that I have a completely different recollection of events than my husband, which many women say! Your birth partner becomes your advocate—the voice that reminds the team, “She’d prefer to stay mobile” or “Can we delay cord clamping?” if you're not in a position to speak up.

Birth Tip: If you’ve written preferences, make sure your partner is familiar with them too. They may be the one handing the plan over to the midwife while you’re deep in your birthing bubble.

What about Doulas?

Many Dubai mums are now choosing to hire doulas—non-medical professionals who provide emotional and practical support during pregnancy and birth.

Important note: Doulas are not medically trained and don’t replace your midwife or doctor. But they do offer gentle guidance, help keep you calm, and remind you of your preferences during labour. Many mums to be in Dubai may opt to have a Doula in the absence of family nearby.

When things don’t go to plan: birth trauma & debriefs

Sometimes, even with the best support and intentions, birth doesn’t unfold the way you hoped. You might feel disappointed, confused, or even traumatised. This is where a birth debrief can be incredibly powerful. Talking through what happened, what changed, and why decisions were made can help you process and begin to heal.If you feel your birth experience was difficult or distressing, please know that you’re not alone. You’re not to blame. And there is support available.

Birth preferences, when used as guiding intentions rather than rigid rules, can be a beautiful way to enter your birth journey feeling prepared and confident.

They remind your care team what matters most to you. They help your partner advocate when needed. And they help you feel prepared without pressure.

At Lullabies, I support parents from pregnancy through the early years, including:
Antenatal education through our Birth & Beyond sessions
Birth preparation sessions (alongside The Fit Midwife)
Post-birth support and debriefs (alongside The Fit Midwife)

If you’d like help writing your birth preferences—or unpacking a previous birth experience—I’m here whenever and for whatever you need.